As most of you know, since I know you in real life (what? since when...), I recently started a new job! I now work for Property Solutions. Now this sounds big and intimidating as I've been told, but let me just tell you - it is.
But what is even better is that it is not at the same time! There are 5 values here at PSI, ones that I feel have been branded into everyone's brains to the point where people actually follow them! Crazy! They are:
1. Talk to Me Goose.
2. Be Excellent to Each Other
3. Business in the Front, Party in the Back
4. Be the Real Deal
5. Be the Joneses
And there are a bunch of really dorky training videos and whatnot on these that are actually pretty hilarious because, well, we are hilarious. I love this company, and I will tell you why.
Business in the Front, Party in the Back.
It is legitimately a party here every day. It isn't the office atmosphere that you would expect, at. all. We play games, we joke around, we win prizes, we watch youtube the majority of our days. It's great!
And it gets better. There is a kitchen here that is fully stocked with food. And I can eat all that I want. All of it. All the food. That I want. This morning I had oatmeal and pudding. Who does that? Me. Because I can.
Which brings me to my next point - why I am even here this early to be able to partake of the pudding and oatmeal I just mentioned? It is because I have the early morning Sunday shift. That's right folks, I work at 5 in the morning every Sunday until noon when I get to go to church. Icky? Yes. BUT. No one calls that early in the morning. No one in the right mind is awake that early in the morning! I was the only bloomin' person on the roads on my way here. It was rather eery... And while I'm talking about it, let me just say that going 25mph that early when no one else is around, you feel like a speed demon! I don't think I drove the speed limit the entire way here because that felt like far too fast.
But as I was saying - the great thing about working this early is that I have nothing to do, so I have no excuse not to blog. So from now on, till I get switched off this shift, you can expect a blog post on Sunday mornings to wake up to cheerily at 11:30 when the rest of the world wakes up. Enjoy. And I'm going to eat more pudding.
Sunday, May 26, 2013
On.. Moments.
"What?"
"She's alive?!"
"I thought she'd been killed or kidnapped a long time ago!" (let's be honest, bad things happen to Amanda's in the news recently... It is plausible!)
I know these are the exact thoughts that ran through your head as you saw that there was a new blog post from me. Or you did not see that there was a blog post and you merely stumbled upon this unintentionally, in which case I'm glad you are here and I am just fine, as you, an accidental visitor, would expect.
As much as I would like to say that nothing has been going on to explain why I haven't updated anyone in my life, that is not quite true. Quite a bit has gone on since I last blogged. But alas, my memory is much too short to be able to recall it all. Honestly, it's a lot of grown up stuff! Stuff I wasn't quite prepared to take on as I desperately held on to being fed and taken care of instead of paying thousands (okay, exaggerating... it's only hundreds.) of bills and being up to my eyeballs in major life decisions.
Life is tough, man. Making decisions is hard, man. Being grown up is the worst, man!
But you know? There are things that make it worth it. And I consider myself so blessed to be able to go through this point in my life surrounded by those who support me, who tell me they love me, that I can do anything hard and that they are proud of who I'm becoming. You know how I feel after those conversations? Like I should be wearing a cape.
Because you know what? They're right! I can do this. I can make the right decisions. I can be the kind of person that I want to be and I can do what I want to do. There has never been a time when I wasn't able to make due. There has never ever been a point in my life when I didn't have everything that I needed. There has never been a time when I was not able to, eventually, get what I desired, as long as I was patient and willing to work for it.
There are moments when things seem overwhelming. Believe me, I have been there for a good solid couple weeks. There are times when you just want to crawl under a rock, eat delicious food that you don't own, and never ever emerge again unless someone pays you truck-fulls of money. I. Have. Been. There.
There are times where you just want to sell everything you own because then you would have the money to pay for school and whatever else you want until you realize that you would have to buy all the stuff you sold back in order to make what you want to buy relevant and then you find yourself in an endless cycle of buying and selling and that's just ridiculous. That's what some people call "a pickle".
And there are times when all you want, the only thing in the whole world that you could ever desire, is to go home. To not be on your own anymore. To not have to figure things out by yourself. To be surrounded by people who know what in the heck they are doing and can help you carry what you feel so incapable of carrying by yourself. To know that, no matter how you mess up or can't seem to do what is needed, you have someone(s) to fall back on who will never give up on you or tell you you are not worth it. To have someone there who you don't have to pretend you are alright with, who you don't have to be strong for, who already knows your best and worst so there is nothing to hide.
And you know? As much as I hate those moments... when they are over, I could not be more grateful for them. Those moments are the moments that you realize what you are capable of. When those moments have passed and you have overcome what you thought was impossible. When all the problems have been taken care of (till new ones pop up...) and all the worries settled, you look back and think "I did that." "That wasn't so bad" (even though it was!). And suddenly, you have a new trophy to add to your shelf - "Tough as Nails Trophy". "I'm a Big Girl Now Trophy". "I Can Do Whatever the Heck I Want Because I Just Got Through That Trophy". Suddenly, you are a new person with new limitations (or lack thereof) who is stronger than you thought, greater than you thought, and awesome-er than you thought.
Those are the moments we should be looking for, searching for, working for. Those post-trauma moments. Those "how in the name of all that is good did I do that" moments. Those wonderful "and I thought I was great before" moments. Push through those icky moments to reach these moments and it will all be worth it.
I promise.
"She's alive?!"
"I thought she'd been killed or kidnapped a long time ago!" (let's be honest, bad things happen to Amanda's in the news recently... It is plausible!)
I know these are the exact thoughts that ran through your head as you saw that there was a new blog post from me. Or you did not see that there was a blog post and you merely stumbled upon this unintentionally, in which case I'm glad you are here and I am just fine, as you, an accidental visitor, would expect.
As much as I would like to say that nothing has been going on to explain why I haven't updated anyone in my life, that is not quite true. Quite a bit has gone on since I last blogged. But alas, my memory is much too short to be able to recall it all. Honestly, it's a lot of grown up stuff! Stuff I wasn't quite prepared to take on as I desperately held on to being fed and taken care of instead of paying thousands (okay, exaggerating... it's only hundreds.) of bills and being up to my eyeballs in major life decisions.
Life is tough, man. Making decisions is hard, man. Being grown up is the worst, man!
But you know? There are things that make it worth it. And I consider myself so blessed to be able to go through this point in my life surrounded by those who support me, who tell me they love me, that I can do anything hard and that they are proud of who I'm becoming. You know how I feel after those conversations? Like I should be wearing a cape.
Because you know what? They're right! I can do this. I can make the right decisions. I can be the kind of person that I want to be and I can do what I want to do. There has never been a time when I wasn't able to make due. There has never ever been a point in my life when I didn't have everything that I needed. There has never been a time when I was not able to, eventually, get what I desired, as long as I was patient and willing to work for it.
There are moments when things seem overwhelming. Believe me, I have been there for a good solid couple weeks. There are times when you just want to crawl under a rock, eat delicious food that you don't own, and never ever emerge again unless someone pays you truck-fulls of money. I. Have. Been. There.
There are times where you just want to sell everything you own because then you would have the money to pay for school and whatever else you want until you realize that you would have to buy all the stuff you sold back in order to make what you want to buy relevant and then you find yourself in an endless cycle of buying and selling and that's just ridiculous. That's what some people call "a pickle".
And there are times when all you want, the only thing in the whole world that you could ever desire, is to go home. To not be on your own anymore. To not have to figure things out by yourself. To be surrounded by people who know what in the heck they are doing and can help you carry what you feel so incapable of carrying by yourself. To know that, no matter how you mess up or can't seem to do what is needed, you have someone(s) to fall back on who will never give up on you or tell you you are not worth it. To have someone there who you don't have to pretend you are alright with, who you don't have to be strong for, who already knows your best and worst so there is nothing to hide.
And you know? As much as I hate those moments... when they are over, I could not be more grateful for them. Those moments are the moments that you realize what you are capable of. When those moments have passed and you have overcome what you thought was impossible. When all the problems have been taken care of (till new ones pop up...) and all the worries settled, you look back and think "I did that." "That wasn't so bad" (even though it was!). And suddenly, you have a new trophy to add to your shelf - "Tough as Nails Trophy". "I'm a Big Girl Now Trophy". "I Can Do Whatever the Heck I Want Because I Just Got Through That Trophy". Suddenly, you are a new person with new limitations (or lack thereof) who is stronger than you thought, greater than you thought, and awesome-er than you thought.
Those are the moments we should be looking for, searching for, working for. Those post-trauma moments. Those "how in the name of all that is good did I do that" moments. Those wonderful "and I thought I was great before" moments. Push through those icky moments to reach these moments and it will all be worth it.
I promise.
Saturday, February 23, 2013
All I want.
I am not an outdoors-y person. In fact, I would much rather stay inside on any given day, watching a movie - cozy, comfortable, not wind-swept... But today? Today I want to be in the forest. I want to be out in the middle of the world's beauty, admiring all that this world has to offer. Somewhere quiet, somewhere peaceful, somewhere where the atmosphere almost sparks, where my thoughts can run wild, where I don't have to think about school or people or the future. Somewhere still.
I want a blanket, I want a forest, and I want my thoughts. That's all I want right now.
Le Futuuuurreee... Dun dun duunnnn!!!!
I haven't been blogging, and it is quite honestly because I have been on overload mode. I have this terrible habit of biting off more than I can chew and I had to let something go! And that something was this blog, I'm very sorry. But a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do. Now I'm back (for today, I'm not making any promises for here on out), to tell you about my life. Try not to get to excited... Because I'm excited enough for the all of us!!
I have been really struggling to figure out what in the name of all that is delicious I am going to do with my life. I decided my major because I knew I wanted to work with non-profit organizations that work with orphans institutionalized internationally. I didn't even know if that was a real thing! I wasn't sure if it was a possibility or if I was pursuing something that was unattainable.
And then recently, all these opportunities and changes have been popping up! My school is opening up a program in the fall that is called The Academy, which will, if I'm accepted, make me super competitive when applying for graduate school because I'll be taking graduate level classes as an undergrad. "But do I want to go to graduate school?" I asked myself. Who knows! "Is the Academy even going to prepare me to go into what I want to go into?" "Do I really want to put up with the research that is involved with The Academy? You know you hate research..." I told myself. I also learned about another program that is being started here that will allow me to graduate with my Child Life Specialist Certificate. What is that you may ask? Basically, a Child Life Specialist works in hospitals as an advocate between kids and doctors, making sure that they get everything that they need, are comfortable and understanding what is going on and making the surgery or treatment experience go over as smooth and un-traumatic (is that even a word?) as possible. What is so exciting about that possibility is that I can go right into the work force with my undergrad rather than going on to get a master's like I thought I was going to have to do, no matter what career I went into. "But do I want to work in hospitals?" I asked myself. I don't know. Or do I want to major in Human Development and Minor in Psychology with the possibility of going on to get my Master's in Child Psychology and then work with kids with mental disabilities? That was another possibility for a while.
So. Many. Choices. I had no idea where I was going, what I wanted to do, if I was even going to be able to do what I wanted to do. Quite honestly, I just want a family. I've never wanted a career, I've never wanted to work. But here I am, trying to figure out what I'm going to do with my life, as if my future family isn't in the picture. It's hard for me! At the same time, I want to do everything. I want to do the Academy, the CLS Certificate, my minor and work three jobs! Ain't nobody got time for that! And yet, I sit here trying to figure out how I can fit it all in with my schedule.
But guys. I've finally figured it out.
I'm going to pursue the Child Life Specialist option. I am going to do the Academy as well, if I can get in. I'm going to intern at the hospital to see if that is the environment that I really want to be in and get my name out there and make some friends. I am going to try to TA and work for another professor of mine to network and make as many friends within the department as I can to get references and whatnot because it is all about who you know. I will also be paired with one of my professors to do some research and hopefully get my work published in a journal (which means I need to figure out something to research...). I will graduate with the Graduate level classes under my belt and I will go right into my career as a Specialist. After a couple years, I will go back to school (potentially) to get my Master's in Human Development, so I can move up the ladder of success in my profession. Somewhere in there I will have a family I'm hoping... If so, when my kids are all grown up and moved out, I will have the experience and the education that would be required to work with non-profit organizations and do what I have wanted to do all along. It's a long term plan, but I am super stoked about it all! I hope it works!!
What's even better: you know how I was saying that I didn't know if an organization even existed that did what I wanted to do with orphans? Well, yesterday I found them. It's called One Heart Bulgaria, and they are PERFECT. They do everything that I wanted to do. And, what's even better, is that they have an internship program! I can INTERN WITH THEM!! Which is necessary for me to graduate anyway! I am so freaking excited right now.
Everything seems to be falling into place. I am going to be able to do everything that I want to do, and I don't have to justify any of it because it all has a purpose! It is going to be a lot of work, and I am still trying to figure out the schedule of it all. It pushes back my graduation by a bit... Without any of the extra stuff and just doing the classes for my major, I could graduate next summer... But you know what, I'm not in the big of a hurry to get out of this place, and if it means that I can graduate with that many more doors open to me than if I didn't pursue this course, then it is worth it to me. Who knows where I am going to end up, or what I'm going to be doing, but this way I can leave here knowing there is nothing more I could have done to prepare myself for the adventures ahead.
Bring it on, world. Bring it on.
I have been really struggling to figure out what in the name of all that is delicious I am going to do with my life. I decided my major because I knew I wanted to work with non-profit organizations that work with orphans institutionalized internationally. I didn't even know if that was a real thing! I wasn't sure if it was a possibility or if I was pursuing something that was unattainable.
And then recently, all these opportunities and changes have been popping up! My school is opening up a program in the fall that is called The Academy, which will, if I'm accepted, make me super competitive when applying for graduate school because I'll be taking graduate level classes as an undergrad. "But do I want to go to graduate school?" I asked myself. Who knows! "Is the Academy even going to prepare me to go into what I want to go into?" "Do I really want to put up with the research that is involved with The Academy? You know you hate research..." I told myself. I also learned about another program that is being started here that will allow me to graduate with my Child Life Specialist Certificate. What is that you may ask? Basically, a Child Life Specialist works in hospitals as an advocate between kids and doctors, making sure that they get everything that they need, are comfortable and understanding what is going on and making the surgery or treatment experience go over as smooth and un-traumatic (is that even a word?) as possible. What is so exciting about that possibility is that I can go right into the work force with my undergrad rather than going on to get a master's like I thought I was going to have to do, no matter what career I went into. "But do I want to work in hospitals?" I asked myself. I don't know. Or do I want to major in Human Development and Minor in Psychology with the possibility of going on to get my Master's in Child Psychology and then work with kids with mental disabilities? That was another possibility for a while.
So. Many. Choices. I had no idea where I was going, what I wanted to do, if I was even going to be able to do what I wanted to do. Quite honestly, I just want a family. I've never wanted a career, I've never wanted to work. But here I am, trying to figure out what I'm going to do with my life, as if my future family isn't in the picture. It's hard for me! At the same time, I want to do everything. I want to do the Academy, the CLS Certificate, my minor and work three jobs! Ain't nobody got time for that! And yet, I sit here trying to figure out how I can fit it all in with my schedule.
But guys. I've finally figured it out.
I'm going to pursue the Child Life Specialist option. I am going to do the Academy as well, if I can get in. I'm going to intern at the hospital to see if that is the environment that I really want to be in and get my name out there and make some friends. I am going to try to TA and work for another professor of mine to network and make as many friends within the department as I can to get references and whatnot because it is all about who you know. I will also be paired with one of my professors to do some research and hopefully get my work published in a journal (which means I need to figure out something to research...). I will graduate with the Graduate level classes under my belt and I will go right into my career as a Specialist. After a couple years, I will go back to school (potentially) to get my Master's in Human Development, so I can move up the ladder of success in my profession. Somewhere in there I will have a family I'm hoping... If so, when my kids are all grown up and moved out, I will have the experience and the education that would be required to work with non-profit organizations and do what I have wanted to do all along. It's a long term plan, but I am super stoked about it all! I hope it works!!
What's even better: you know how I was saying that I didn't know if an organization even existed that did what I wanted to do with orphans? Well, yesterday I found them. It's called One Heart Bulgaria, and they are PERFECT. They do everything that I wanted to do. And, what's even better, is that they have an internship program! I can INTERN WITH THEM!! Which is necessary for me to graduate anyway! I am so freaking excited right now.
Everything seems to be falling into place. I am going to be able to do everything that I want to do, and I don't have to justify any of it because it all has a purpose! It is going to be a lot of work, and I am still trying to figure out the schedule of it all. It pushes back my graduation by a bit... Without any of the extra stuff and just doing the classes for my major, I could graduate next summer... But you know what, I'm not in the big of a hurry to get out of this place, and if it means that I can graduate with that many more doors open to me than if I didn't pursue this course, then it is worth it to me. Who knows where I am going to end up, or what I'm going to be doing, but this way I can leave here knowing there is nothing more I could have done to prepare myself for the adventures ahead.
Bring it on, world. Bring it on.
Saturday, October 6, 2012
Nineteen
Today I was just minding my own business, watching General Conference, Saturday morning, no big deal. I was laughing it up with my roommates when the prophet starts talking. At first we weren't listening because he was just welcoming everyone and whatnot, nothing really life-changing.
Wrong.
President Monson, this morning, announced that they were lowering the age that missionaries are allowed to submit their papers and go out into the field. Boys are now allowed to serve at age 18 and girls can go out at 19.
19!!! That's two whole years earlier than they were allowed to before.
Suddenly, my apartment exploded. We all started talking at the same time, freaking. out. Whitney and Kyle, who wanted to go on a mission anyway could all of a sudden go next semester! My other roommates started wondering if this is what they are supposed to do and if they should put in their papers. Everyone around me is talking about how they are going to go on a mission, as early as Christmas.
And then there was me. I knew, as soon as he said that we could go at 19 that, even though it was exciting, it wasn't what I was supposed to do. I was supposed to stay here, do school and go to Romania. I know for a fact that that is what I'm supposed to do, but I was freaking out on all of their behalves.
And then it started sinking in. All of my roommates are leaving, going around the world and I am going to stay here. I'm being left behind.
Not that I'm upset about not going. Quite honestly, I know I am supposed to be here and I'm not even angry at the slightest that I have to stay here. But when I realized that I would be here at BYU without them, I knew that I needed new roommates and that was not okay with me.
These girls mean the world to me, and I'm not really sure how I am going to be able to survive without them. New roommates - great. I love new friends! But it won't be the same and I know I'm going to miss every single one of them.
This change in missionary age changes so much, and it means wonderful things for the members of the church. No longer do the girls have to worry about deciding between getting married and serving a mission because now they can do both easily. Boys don't have to decide about going to school or waiting and going on their mission. Now they can go right out of high school and not have that headache.
Guys, I know it sounds funny or weird or whatever, but I legitimately believe that the Second Coming is on its way. The Lord needs more missionaries, which is why this is happening. Now is the time to be preparing for what is to come and for sharing the Gospel with those around us. I know this is true, and I know that my roommates are doing the right thing, but I am going to miss them.
But they are doing what they need to, and I am doing what I need to. Our paths may be branching apart, but we are doing what's best :)
Wrong.
President Monson, this morning, announced that they were lowering the age that missionaries are allowed to submit their papers and go out into the field. Boys are now allowed to serve at age 18 and girls can go out at 19.
19!!! That's two whole years earlier than they were allowed to before.
Suddenly, my apartment exploded. We all started talking at the same time, freaking. out. Whitney and Kyle, who wanted to go on a mission anyway could all of a sudden go next semester! My other roommates started wondering if this is what they are supposed to do and if they should put in their papers. Everyone around me is talking about how they are going to go on a mission, as early as Christmas.
And then there was me. I knew, as soon as he said that we could go at 19 that, even though it was exciting, it wasn't what I was supposed to do. I was supposed to stay here, do school and go to Romania. I know for a fact that that is what I'm supposed to do, but I was freaking out on all of their behalves.
And then it started sinking in. All of my roommates are leaving, going around the world and I am going to stay here. I'm being left behind.
Not that I'm upset about not going. Quite honestly, I know I am supposed to be here and I'm not even angry at the slightest that I have to stay here. But when I realized that I would be here at BYU without them, I knew that I needed new roommates and that was not okay with me.
These girls mean the world to me, and I'm not really sure how I am going to be able to survive without them. New roommates - great. I love new friends! But it won't be the same and I know I'm going to miss every single one of them.
This change in missionary age changes so much, and it means wonderful things for the members of the church. No longer do the girls have to worry about deciding between getting married and serving a mission because now they can do both easily. Boys don't have to decide about going to school or waiting and going on their mission. Now they can go right out of high school and not have that headache.
Guys, I know it sounds funny or weird or whatever, but I legitimately believe that the Second Coming is on its way. The Lord needs more missionaries, which is why this is happening. Now is the time to be preparing for what is to come and for sharing the Gospel with those around us. I know this is true, and I know that my roommates are doing the right thing, but I am going to miss them.
But they are doing what they need to, and I am doing what I need to. Our paths may be branching apart, but we are doing what's best :)
Sunday, September 9, 2012
I don't even know where to start
I haven't blogged in forever, SO much has happened and there is no way I'm going to be able to remember it all.
But quite frankly, I don't even really want to talk about that all! Not that I'm not enjoying every second of it, but I have something very specific that I want to write about. (this is going to be long, I'm sorry)
My major.
Guys, I love my major. LOVE it. Not because of the classes I have to take because quite honestly, so far, Human Development (the class) has been extremely boring. But I will tell you why I love it so much.
I have never been passionate about anything but music for as long as I can remember. I have no desire to teach, I don't want to work in an office, I don't want to create a business or save lives in a hospital. None of that has ever appealed to me and I have never had even the thought to go into those fields. But I always thought that that is where I would end up anyway. Going into school, I thought for sure that I would end up getting a degree in something or other that I don't really enjoy but is practical. Something significant to the world, but not to me.
I've never had the desire to change the world. Here, I am surrounded by people who have huge dreams, who are surrounded by stress and pressure trying to achieve their goals. I guess I've just never dreamed big enough for them to scare me.
I don't want to change the world. But I don't want to change someone's world.
So here I am, trying to decide what to major in, what to do with my life - and then it hits me.
I love people. I'm passionate about people. Communication, getting to know them, helping them. I love it. I love children. I love working with them, taking care of them, learning about them and how they think and work. I'm fascinated with the mind, with why we think what we think, how we can think what we think, what makes us tick.
So I went into Human Development, to get to the bottom of how we all... happened.
My second day in my human development class confirmed that this is what I want to do, that this is what I need to do.
What really cinched it was the movie we watched about the Romanian orphans. There are 100's of 1,000's of orphans in institutions across Romania because their dictator made it a law that those who have less then five kids in their family get taxed heavily. So the people had children, and then gave them back to the state because they couldn't afford them. This has all been kept under wraps, but this video was able to get in and show the world. These children, without the proper care, attention and affection they need, are not developing the way that they should. They are in buildings being looked after by people who don't know how to take care of them. Many of them haven't left their cribs in eleven years. Because of this, they have stopped growing. Their bodies shut down. They may be eleven, but they look like they are three. They sit in their cribs sucking their thumbs, rocking back and forth because it is the only stimulus they have ever known. They don't know how to talk, they don't know how to walk, most of them don't know what a friend is. Things that we take for granted like motor skills, these children lack. They are deformed, they are underdeveloped and they are sad.
I cried through that whole movie.
And then my professor said since the discovery of this situation, BYU has started an internship where they send students over to Romania to work with the orphanages, to help this kids. They spend just 45 minutes a day with each kid, holding them, talking to them, teaching them to walk, helping them. These kids just need a hug, to know that someone loves them and is there for them. Someone to show them what to do, what it means to be human because so far they've been treated like animals.
I can be that person. I can be the one to tell those children what they are worth, what they mean to me and to their Heavenly Father.
I may not change the world, but I sure as heck can change their's.
This is what I want to do. This is what is important to me. Helping kids so that they can live in this world the way they are meant to.
So yes, if I can help it, I will be going to Romania next winter with the BYU internship. And yes, I will change their worlds. Because I can, because I have been blessed with the ability, because they need me.
I've finally found purpose.
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