"I thought she'd been killed or kidnapped a long time ago!" (let's be honest, bad things happen to Amanda's in the news recently... It is plausible!)
I know these are the exact thoughts that ran through your head as you saw that there was a new blog post from me. Or you did not see that there was a blog post and you merely stumbled upon this unintentionally, in which case I'm glad you are here and I am just fine, as you, an accidental visitor, would expect.
As much as I would like to say that nothing has been going on to explain why I haven't updated anyone in my life, that is not quite true. Quite a bit has gone on since I last blogged. But alas, my memory is much too short to be able to recall it all. Honestly, it's a lot of grown up stuff! Stuff I wasn't quite prepared to take on as I desperately held on to being fed and taken care of instead of paying thousands (okay, exaggerating... it's only hundreds.) of bills and being up to my eyeballs in major life decisions.
Life is tough, man. Making decisions is hard, man. Being grown up is the worst, man!
But you know? There are things that make it worth it. And I consider myself so blessed to be able to go through this point in my life surrounded by those who support me, who tell me they love me, that I can do anything hard and that they are proud of who I'm becoming. You know how I feel after those conversations? Like I should be wearing a cape.
Because you know what? They're right! I can do this. I can make the right decisions. I can be the kind of person that I want to be and I can do what I want to do. There has never been a time when I wasn't able to make due. There has never ever been a point in my life when I didn't have everything that I needed. There has never been a time when I was not able to, eventually, get what I desired, as long as I was patient and willing to work for it.
There are moments when things seem overwhelming. Believe me, I have been there for a good solid couple weeks. There are times when you just want to crawl under a rock, eat delicious food that you don't own, and never ever emerge again unless someone pays you truck-fulls of money. I. Have. Been. There.
There are times where you just want to sell everything you own because then you would have the money to pay for school and whatever else you want until you realize that you would have to buy all the stuff you sold back in order to make what you want to buy relevant and then you find yourself in an endless cycle of buying and selling and that's just ridiculous. That's what some people call "a pickle".
And there are times when all you want, the only thing in the whole world that you could ever desire, is to go home. To not be on your own anymore. To not have to figure things out by yourself. To be surrounded by people who know what in the heck they are doing and can help you carry what you feel so incapable of carrying by yourself. To know that, no matter how you mess up or can't seem to do what is needed, you have someone(s) to fall back on who will never give up on you or tell you you are not worth it. To have someone there who you don't have to pretend you are alright with, who you don't have to be strong for, who already knows your best and worst so there is nothing to hide.
And you know? As much as I hate those moments... when they are over, I could not be more grateful for them. Those moments are the moments that you realize what you are capable of. When those moments have passed and you have overcome what you thought was impossible. When all the problems have been taken care of (till new ones pop up...) and all the worries settled, you look back and think "I did that." "That wasn't so bad" (even though it was!). And suddenly, you have a new trophy to add to your shelf - "Tough as Nails Trophy". "I'm a Big Girl Now Trophy". "I Can Do Whatever the Heck I Want Because I Just Got Through That Trophy". Suddenly, you are a new person with new limitations (or lack thereof) who is stronger than you thought, greater than you thought, and awesome-er than you thought.
Those are the moments we should be looking for, searching for, working for. Those post-trauma moments. Those "how in the name of all that is good did I do that" moments. Those wonderful "and I thought I was great before" moments. Push through those icky moments to reach these moments and it will all be worth it.